Disclaimer:I do not own the characters of "BtVS" and "Angel", nor do I own any rights to the television shows "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel". They were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network,... I own nothing! (Hey,do you think I could be so mean to them?!) So nobody sue!
Couple: Angel/Buffy -- of course!!!
Spoilers: "I Will Remember You"
Rating: PG-13 -- angst
Thanks to: Sam
Feedback: Yes please, but be nice!
Author's Note: Letter in first pov, Angel.

My beloved Buffy,

Can you remember the day you came to LA. and visited me?

Can you remember the day we made love?

... [snip] ...

Why, Buffy ... WHY?

It hurts so much! - It hurts so much that I can't bear it!

I feel like drowning. - I *can't* breath, I know that I don't need to, but I *can't* breath!

I am drowning.

Gasping!

It strangles me. I feel so lonely!

I felt your heart beating - and you felt mine, united in the same rhythm of pure love and joy.

And now ...

God, why?

I want to feel you! I *need* to feel you!

I need to feel our connected souls! - Being one with you again!

Swallowing our day ripped me into pieces!

It hurts so much, Buffy. I want to turn back time, again!

No more decisions without you. - Never!

What did I do? What was I thinking? Life would have been short, yes ,but ...- together!

'I want my life to be with you.' - You said this to me, Buffy. You said it and I went away. - Why?

I still know my reasons, I still know.

But Buffy ... I can't stand it.

I want my life to be with you so badly!

I can't breath! My soul can't breath anymore. I can't think straight.All I can think of is you!

Unstoppable tears are running down my cheeks.Silent, when the others are around me, trying to find out what's wrong with me ... intense crying when I'm alone. I am alone. All the day, all the night...

I can't sleep. I can't eat, I can't breath anymore!

I *breathed*! - I inhaled! - I inhaled your scent, I tasted your skin, everything. You taste like heaven!

How much do I love you?

I love you more than everything, even more than that!

You are my love, my life, my sanity, my reason... You ARE!

How can I live without you, without my soulmate, my love ... my everything?!

I can't! ...

I can't.

I know that I tried to, but ... it's killing me.

I curl myself in the bed, our bed. I stay in bed all the time.I want to feel your presence! I need you so much,Buffy!

They believe that I'm going crazy.

I forbid them to step into the kitchen. Nobody is allowed to step foot in that holy place.It is holy for me, like every second that I had the luck to spend with you.

Fate brought us back together - and again, I made a decision.

I hate myself.

My longing to be with you is eating me up. It swallows me.

Why? Why don't you remember? ... Why?We could share our memories. We could fight to fulfill our dreams. We would find ways!

Now I believe.

I believe in our love! We can have a future! And we will.

We have it in every dream I've had since I left you - we will!

Buffy, Buffy, ... Buffy ... Your name on my tongue feels like chocolate... the chocolate you fed me.

You showed me heaven, Buffy - you are my heaven! ... And now I want more!

Did I tell you that I love you?

I love you!

We made love, we experienced love with every fiber of our beings. We were one. One being, one soul!

Turning back time ripped us into pieces, it snatched our souls from our spiritual whole ... again.

I feel it. - Maybe you can feel it, too ...- sometime, somewhere, somehow... if you could remember ...

My soul went away ... it went with you.

You forgot I remember.

I'll always remember ... Because I love you!

Maybe it's better for you not to remember, because it hurts so much, ... it kills.

I am already dead ... Again.

It will be better this way, it will.

I gave up, but I still have to try.

This time it is too much to bear, Buffy!

Far too much.

I wanted to tell you that I loved you - one last time ... probably the last time in my life.

I sent you a jar with cookie dough fudge mint chip yesterday.After reading this letter you know about the special meaning it has for me.I hope you read the card with it. I wrote how much I love you.

You'll hate me for it.

Maybe you'll find this letter someday, maybe not.

Maybe you don't believe what I wrote about our time together, maybe you think that I want to hurt you with it, but I could never do that!

You were angry when I made decisions without you.

- This time I'll share ... share my memories.

I have to because I want you to know how much I love you. I do!

I'll leave now.

I'll step down the stairs to the Hell that I found the next day, when you were back in Sunnydale.

I'll fight and try to save humanity. Maybe The Powers That Be will take some pity on me and take away the clause - if I'm successful.

Maybe they won't ... maybe I'll never come back.

I surely won't come back.

I don't want to hurt you with this letter, but I needed to express my feelings for you.

... Always
Angel

****************************************************************

Buffy went downstairs into Angel's apartment, searching for him.She found him lying curled up on the kitchen table, wearing nothing but black boxers. He held a piece of paper encircled in his hands.

'He looks so peaceful.' Buffy thought. She kissed him on his cheek and caressed his silky dark hair.He slowly lifted his head and looked up into her face, not believing what he saw. She could tell it from the expression on his face.

"Buffy?" Angel sat himself up and hugged her tightly. Buffy did the same. "What are you doing here?"

Buffy smiled and kissed Angel on his lips.

"Angel, I remember!" She smiled.

Angel stared in astonishment. "But how? ... I mean ..."

Buffy softly put her finger over Angel's mouth."Hush, Angel ... with every spoon of ice cream that melted on my tongue, my memories came back and melted with reality. I could feel everything we had, I could feel you ... I could experience your love - and now ... I need to get the other half of my soul back! I need you!" Buffy hugged Angel as tight as she could. "I love you, Angel! ... Let us fight together for a future in unity!"

"I love you, too, Buffy! ... We will have a future! We will!"

Buffy looked on the table and saw her name on a piece of paper."Is this letter for me? May I read it?"

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